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I finished my Drawing

Oh yeah baby ... the way super heroes were meant to be. Fat, angry and all about the drinking.

Ok, once again this isn’t Malcolm. So deal with it.

I am a big movie buff. I love watching movies and can almost sit through most of the really bad ones. So this time I feel like it is my duty to talk about Super Heroes since they are Hollywood’s newest craze. Now, I love comic book heroes, the cheesier the better. What I don’t like is their horrible translations to film. I think I speak for the world when I say that the latest set of hero movies has ruined many children’s lives.

I mean seriously how can Hollywood destroy so many good heroes? I remember growing up dreaming about running around in my Underoos with a towel tied around my neck trying to fly off the deck into the pool (you know you tried to be superman some time in your childhood). Let me remind you how bad those movies were … WOW! That didn’t matter though because they didn’t kill the hero. The movie was ass but that Hero was in all their glory as promised by the hundreds of comic books molding in your basement.

Those days are unfortunately long gone for me but they didn’t have to be for the children. I have younger kids in my family and they could care less about all of it and it depresses me. Not that I want to hear a story about my nephew attempting flight and breaking his arm but at least I would know he had some heroes to look up to. It is a sad day when the only thing a kid can pretend to be is a gay fluffy alien with a TV in its chest or a Fascist Purple Dinosaur (sorry, but those things have to go).

Don’t even try to bring me down the real-life hero scenario either. Reality TV has ruined those too (I will deal with Reality TV later). I don’t know what got into Hollywood where they thought they could homogenize the greatest heroes that ever lived into 120 minute commercials for their toys that were constructed by genetically altered chimps in South Asia but I want it to stop. I would rather see a better movie than a world flooded with toys that could bury the population of Texas (wait and see they are all ready building shelters for the fall out).

Sorry for the ranting but this really sucks. When I go see a comic book movie I don’t expect much but I do expect the hero in it to not make me cry. I can’t name anything specific because I don’t really have the money to deal with a law suit for saying something liable. What I can say is that one hero wasn’t supposed to have the potential to grow as big as the Earth because he gets his period, the Faustian deaf dude in a leather suit was never meant to be a disgrace to the Gay community, and the last time I checked gentlemen referred to males only. That last one if they wanted to name it correctly it should have been called the Collaboration of Super Special Gentle People. At least that title would have hinted at to what you should have expected (shame on you James Bond … shame on you).

Hopefully you are smart enough to figure that out what I was just talking about and the people who made those movies don’t find their way to this site. In the end I can tell you two movies that actually lived up to their potential: The original Batman and the latest Spiderman. Granted both movies have their flaws but you have to admit at least you did spit on the kid that sold you the ticket to the movie. Oh yeah, just try and tell me you didn’t find a way to reach through that speaker and strangle the guy who sold you the ticket to the Star Wars Movies (not that I am saying they were … sorry Mister Lucas, I will not disobey you again). Actually while I am on the topic when did George stop making movies and instead making really long infomercials for collectible Star Wars crap (yeah you heard me, now back off dork).

Ok that’s it, I am done. If I say anymore I will end up in court and probably in therapy. Nothing is worse than trying to explain to your therapist that you are mad about people, who don’t even exist, and the bad movies made about them. Although I think Freud would be impressed simply due to the lack of anything based in reality. Not to be out done he would inevitably tie my problems back to a poor childhood and some dysfunction in my sexual exploits.

** A personal apology to George Lucas, your Star Wars franchise and all of its properties are not of poor quality. I refuse to apologize for your movies, you should do that.