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Our Definition:
A Gelatinous medium for ingesting quantities of alcohol to be time released into the bloodstream. (jello shots)

Yes, jello! For all you speed freaks who hate jello, go sit on a stick because you suck. Never has there been a substance that you can actually time how long it’s going to take the alcohol to enter your blood stream. Ok, jello by itself isn’t all that cool after your 12 but after 21 it gets a whole lot better.

It’s 4th of July time again and that means Jello shots. It has become an annual tradition at this time of year to make as many jello shots as humanly possible then consume them in a matter of hours. If you can handle it, you will enjoy a burst of drunkenness followed by an odd full feeling. However, if you can’t handle it … at least your puke will look like you just ate a large bowl of fruity pebbles. Actually it looks like you just ate out Rainbow Brite (god, you sick twisted bastard … eating out a children’s cartoon character).

You can make Jello shots really strong or really weak depending on the alcohol you use. Hell, you can even set an egg timer to how long it will take you feel the effects of that shot. For me it’s about 5 minutes before my stomach disposes of the jello and gets to the liquor center (how many licks does it take you to get to the center of a jello shot?). That is truly why these are so marvelous. In an extreme case you have to go to some bad party that’s about 5 minutes away … hit a bunch of jello shots and you should be drunk just as you get there. I am not saying you should do that unless you are walking but I can only hope you are smarter than our coked-out monkey (if not, you will soon be a statistic).

Instructions:
Ok, so how exactly do you make these delicious party treats? It’s easy. For every box of jello you need two cups of water. If you were a nerd and following the directions on the box you just screwed up … nerd. What you need to do is boil one cup of water for every box then add one cup of alcohol after you boil it. This keeps you from cooking off the alcohol rendering your jello shots useless (boiling alcohol is like kryptonite to superman).

Now that sounds easy right? Wrong you can’t just go throwing any old alcohol in the batch and it just magically works. So for all you Whiskey fans out there, forget it. Whiskey and jello should not ever be mixed together unless you can find a tobacco flavored jello (I think I might have to patent that). Jello is fruity so keep your alcohol fruity. Now I know what you are thinking … I am all man buddy! Shut up. You don’t have to use the weak stuff unless your girlfriend is watching. I prefer to hit the flavored vodkas (raspberry, orange, and/or strawberry). They tend to work the best and you can’t really taste them in the shot which makes your shots that much more effective (if you can’t taste it, it’s not there … right?).

For those of you who are really going for the gold, you need to try this one on for size. The jello takes longer to set with stronger alcohol so be careful and plan ahead. Use Black Hause in a batch of blue berry or raspberry jello. I refer to these as Holy Hand Grenades of Drunkenness! These little bombs will drop your partygoer’s pants faster than a hundred dollar bill. Of course no one wants to see a fat kid strip so set some rules before hand.

Do’s and Don’ts:
- Do bring to any party you think will suck; this includes book clubs and funerals
- Do use as many flavors and alcohols as possible. Mixing equals fun.
- Do make sure there is a place to keep cold. No one likes soggy jello.
- Do slap a couple of pieces of jello on your passed out friend’s face. Jello stains the skin with prolonged exposure.

- Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever use with toothpicks
- Don’t leave jello on surfaces you like the color of
- Don’t puke and show it to people. Everyone has a good idea of what it looks like
- Don’t for whatever reason consume Jello before noon. Remember what happened in the movie Gremlins … not pretty.

Hopefully you can see why Jello is so great. If you can’t fine you enjoy your beer over there by yourself (ass). As for us, we will be getting cranked and possibly having a little naked time with the jello. Actually now that I think about, jello wrestling is awesome. However, don’t put alcohol in that jello and make sure you do it outside in one of those blow up kid pools.

As for me, this year I am going for the double-decker jello shot of oblivion. I have been watching the food network again (don’t watch this unless you want your frontal lobe to leak out your ear) and they showed me how to stack jello! I am going to have some wicked shots this year and that means the party is gonna rock that much harder. Actually probably not but a man can hope.