PRODUCT X: |
Names have beein altered
to protect the not so innocent. |
|
 |
 |
August 1, 2003
Vass-a-lean
(noun)
Webster’s definition:
A yellowish translucent substance, almost
odorless and tasteless, obtained as a residue in the purification of
crude petroleum, and consisting essentially of a mixture of several
of the higher members of the paraffin series. It is used as an unguent,
and for various purposes in the arts.
Our Definition:
Commonly referred to Canned Man Happy or
Love Butter to some, this oil based sick colored substance is used to
whack your man-child into lean mean sex machine (usually followed by
a shower). Also can be used for the following: Protects skin from wind
burn, prevent diaper rash, heal dry skin, remove make-up, etc.
I have always been fascinated with Vaseline, truthfully speaking,
more so in my teenage years but that’s beside the point. This
oily sick colored substance is absolutely amazing! Truly what other
product can you use to fix the seals in your car and pleasure yourself?
Oh ok, yes you can use motor oil too but that never comes off. Actually,
my friend found out once that if you use that Lava soap and a Brillo
pad … Let’s just say it’s not pretty and that scar
isn’t one you show off.
Okay, getting back to Vaseline, this stuff does truly rock. Outside
of its uses on the male genitals Vaseline can help heal wind burn, diaper
rash, and can even remove make up. That last one comes in handy if you
are ever caught spanking it like a champ … you can tell you friend
you were removing lipstick some hooker left on your wang from the night
before (you will have to let me know if you ever get a chance to use
that excuse).
If you didn’t know, Vaseline has the consistency of Crisco and
Castor Oil. If you don’t know what these products are, check them
out at your local grocer and see for yourself. I found that if you mix
them together, they still lack that sick yellow coloring so you will
need to add a little apple sauce to it for color. In the end, you get
something that resembles Vaseline but I warn you now, it won’t
keep long. Now that I think of it, you could use it for a nasty April
Fools joke to play on your friend.
Do’s and Don’ts of Vaseline:
- Do apply generously to your hair for that cool slicked back look (ladies,
this is the future of hairstyle in a year or two; you just wait and
see)
- Do use on your genitals, but make sure to have fun with it but trust
your gut, never in your butt.
- Do offer it to your date if her lips are dry but allow her to dip
her fingers in it and apply herself
- Don’t keep an industrial tub of it under your bed. If you
don’t know how big that is … let’s just say you can
dip an entire baby in it (or your fat ass … diapers seriously
grow up).
- Don’t use in cooking, it isn’t Crisco
- Don’t put in your eyes or other people’s eyes no matter
how tempting it is
- Don’t for whatever reason freeze and eat … that damned
coked-out monkey was sick for weeks
I could go on forever but I can’t. I will point one last thing
… I would warn some of you of using this product in the act of
sex (with another). Besides the fact that is Petroleum based, it is
a literal bitch to clean up. The amount of this stuff you have to use
… you would have to sit out side and dry off for hours. I don’t
know about you but my neighbors wouldn’t understand why me and
my girlfriend we standing outside naked covered in goop. Well …
maybe they would? Regardless, don’t find out … use something
else if you are looking to turn your significant other into a human
slip and slide.
Unfortunately now I am no longer a regular user of Vaseline so I don’t
get that wonderful feeling of dipping your fingers into the greasy sick
and pulling up a hand full of man-made love butter. I use KY! If you
watch the women’s channel long enough, they have great deals on
the stuff. That’s for another day.
|
